Well, here we go!  I have so many thoughts, ideas and feelings milling around inside I decided to start this blog to share.  To help me and maybe even you navigate the sometimes straight and often curving path of this thing called life!

I am not sure exactly how this will go so we will take it one word at a time!  I will start where I am today and mingle in where I have been as well as thoughts for tomorrow!

You can visit the about me page to get a snap shot of me!  What I want you to know before you continue is I am an open honest direct passionate woman.  I swear!  I will ‘try’ to keep the hard words out of here but would not be authentic in my expression if I left them all out!  Also, I moved a lot growing up.  I went to five different elementary schools so grammar and punctuation are not my strong suites!

Just over three months ago my youngest son Joey took his life with a single gun shot wound to his chest.  This event took me and our family by complete and total surprise.

Joey IS (I still don’t like using was even though he isn’t here with me anymore) a handsome, kind, fun, adventurous and thoughtful young man.  He left on a Sunday a month and two days shy of his 16th birthday.  We had just booked him a plane ticket to go to New York where his sister would be so he could see the Big Apple and have an adventure with her in October.  We were signing him up for private Drivers Ed Monday so he could get his license right on his birthday.  We had a car for him, he had a debit card with funds on it.  He lived with parents and a big brother who loved him.  He has lots of friends, got really good grades, was well liked by all who knew him.  From the outside looking in all seemed well.  That Sunday was spent doing things around the house.  He took a long shower, whitened his teeth, told me he needed a new razor.  He mowed the lawn, played with Melvin my ‘grand-snoodle’.  He laughed and fooled around with his legs and arms inside his sweatshirt.  It was a good day!

Given he walked out the door with a “love you bye” and didn’t come back obviously means something on the inside wasn’t well.  He text one of his close friends who is part of their group called the ‘Homies’ that night stating he left his long board, Vans backpack called the Adventure Bag and some instructions on what he wanted done on the side of his house saying these were his last words.

I was home with my daughter Carlie when I got a text at 9:19 pm from Joey saying, “I love you Mom”.  I replied saying I loved him too and asked if he needed a ride home.  Often he would go too far on his long board and want a ride back or he would go too far and realize how hungry he was and want a ride and trip to McDonald’s!  We tell each other we love each other every day, usually every time we talk so his text didn’t raise any red flags for me.

A short time later one of the other ‘Homies’ called me and told me about his text and said he was concerned and out looking for him.  I checked the “find My Friends” on my phone and Joey had stopped sharing his location with me at 8:15 pm when he left.  Carlie and I jumped in the car and drove over to Woodland Park which is in our neighborhood and a place Joey liked to hammock and spend time with friends.  When we pulled up to the part I saw him leaning against a tree with his back pack on.  I had my daughter jump out of the car and run over to where he was so we could figure out why he sent the text he had about his last words.  She couldn’t find him, he wasn’t really there.  At least not physically.

My husband (Trace) was home in bed so Carlie and I went back and got him telling him what was going on.  He works 12 hour shifts starting at 6 am in law enforcement so he had been up since 4 am.  We generally treat his sleep like that of a hibernating bear, it can be scary to wake him up!  This circumstance made it necessary.  As we got into the garage to leave I heard sirens in the distance.  I said a silent prayer asking that if my son did in fact do something to hurt himself that he could be found and treated in time.

As we drove his friend called saying he wasn’t at some of their usual hang outs.  My husband looked on his phone to find Joey’s location and it showed Bates Canyon Road.  We told his friend whose dad was driving him and said we would head that way and meet them there.

Bates Canyon is straight East of the High School Joey attends and ends in a dirt road just past some railroad tracks that leads to BLM land.  We drove up the road with anxious anticipation of finding him and talking some sense into his stubborn mind.  We have talked about suicide in our home and it is not something to joke about.  He had never said he was struggling with anything or that he needed help in any way.  This was all out of left field for us and seemed so out of the norm for our funny kind pup.

When we got close to the train tracks we could see Sheriff cars and an ambulance.  We jumped out and a deputy asked us why we were there.  We explained about Joey’s text and that his location took us to this place.  One of his friends and his dad had beat us by a couple minutes.  There was a couple off to the side, I saw them but didn’t think to approach them at the time.  My mind was already reeling.

The deputy said that due to protocol he was not able to give us any information.  My husband didn’t really appreciate this answer even though it is one he has given many times in similar circumstances.  It certainly felt different standing on the other side of the fence.  We pleaded to know if it was our son up past the ambulance where we could not see.  We begged to be told if he was injured, if they were working on him, if we could go be with him.  The deputy held his ground and then I pulled up a picture of Joey.  I told him what he was wearing when he had left the house just over an hour before.  He hesitated and then told us that based on the description this was the juvenile who was there.  When we hit him with our questions again he said that there was a gun shot wound to the chest and he was dead.

I know he said those words in a normal tone and speed.  However each of them felt like slow daggers piercing my heart.  Apparently I feel to the earth, that part I don’t recall.  My husband and daughter, Joey’s friend and his Dad all came together in hugs and tears of shock, anguish, dis-belief and gut wrenching pain.

We were frozen in a moment of time.  What do we do, how is this real, there must be some mistake? Our Joey wouldn’t hurt himself.  What gun did he use if he did?  What if its someone else’s child, that is a horrible wishful thing I thought in that moment.  We asked if we could see him.  The deputy told us no, this was a open homicide/suicide investigation.  They had someone dead from a gun shot wound and had to gather evidence.  They took down our contact info and said we could go.

How do you leave your baby?  How do you drive away without being sure it is him?  How do you wrap your brain or heart around him choosing to take his life?

I can tell you I didn’t know in that moment and am working to this moment on figuring this all out.

Joey’s friends Dad offered to drive us home.  Trace said he was fine to drive.  We pulled into our cul-de-sac to find it full of cars with a crowd of people out front.  Word travels fast in a small town with good friends who care.

Now what do we do?  How do we get out and stand before others when we are not even sure what is happening. Our middle child, TJ was next door and didn’t know anything about the events of the last hour.  I sent Carlie to go get him while I talked to those who had gathered out front.

I told them what the deputy told us.  I asked they not share on social media as I have a big family and needed to call them all before something showed up online.  I hugged them all and walked in a daze into my house.

To be continued….