Well, we are certainly on a new adventure!  We have been living out of our suitcases for three weeks now!  This adventure began with a wonderful relaxing bath with Epsom salts and candles the night before eight days away celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary and exploring the south!

This adventure took an unexpected turn with a phone call Friday April 13th less then thirty minutes before our dream concert of seeing Alabama and Charlie Daniels at the Fox Theater in Atlanta.

TJ said he came home to the house full of smoke and found the source to be in our master bathroom.  There was a fire that burnt in the corner of the tub.  It melted the knob on the tub, burnt the wall, melted the blinds in the window above the tub.  There was enough smoke to turn the walls black in the entire bathroom.  He said there were no flames, nothing felt hot and he and the cats were safe.

I called the fire department to come and check for heat signatures.  There were none.  They said they don’t know how this fire put itself out and we were lucky we didn’t lose the entire house.  Guess when I blew out the candles before we left one of them didn’t really burn out….. I know it was help from above.  Thank you!!

What a miracle, what a mess…..  There was enough smoke and soot damage that we could not stay in our house.  Every article of clothing, bedding, towel, curtain, fabric had to be removed and professionally cleaned.  All the carpet up the stairs and in the hallway and bedrooms had to be removed.  All the insulation in the house has to be pumped out and replaced.  The upstairs will need new paint.  Every wall, ceiling and baseboard will need to be cleaned.  The couches will have to be specially treated to remove soot.

So, this brings me to three weeks living out of a suitcase!  In the whole big scheme of things all is well!  TJ and the cats are safe and the house is repairable.  It is certainly not ideal to return from vacation to an unintentional self inflicted mess.  This event caused me some new raw emotions.  I was ready to be in my own space where I feel grounded.  Where the echo of Joey is.  I felt extra emotional and raw in the weeks that passed after we got back.

We found a great vacation rental in Millcreek.  The house is great, the bed is comfortable.  Again, in the big scheme of things we are the lucky ones!  On the smaller level I have felt more distant and removed from my own life.  I have felt displaced, alone and anxious.  I have also recognized how much I can live without.  Aside from my cats, pictures, our bed and comfy couches I have all I need.

Being with Trace & TJ is my home.  I really wear the same things every couple of weeks anyway.  I don’t need all the extra items in my closet I haven’t touched in months.  I really don’t need much more then what I have when I am with my family and friends making memories.

Its a wonderful lesson in letting go.  In making peace not only in new curves but where I am physically.  I will not live in our current home forever.  I carry the echo of Joey in my heart no matter where I lay my head.

I told Trace at breakfast yesterday that I was feeling more emotionally grounded.  Then we had a cute waiter who was kind and thoughtful.  He reminded me of Joey and the tears started to flow.  So, I guess I spoke too soon!

Tonight at dinner I was talking about the song that Alabama sang at the concert called, “Lady down on Love”.  I was sharing with Trace that even though its a song talking about a man and a woman some of the lyrics are how I feel about losing Joey.

As our youngest we were still raising him, still thinking about his needs.  We planned his meals, where he needed rides, checked if his assignments were turned in at school.  He still needed us to ‘parent’ him.  We have a new freedom as parents.  We would rather be bound.  The chorus of the song says,

“Now she’s a lady down on love

She needs somebody to gently pick her up

She’s got her freedom, but she’d rather be bound”

Losing Joey certainly made me feel down on love.  I have needed to be gently picked up time and time again.  I have a freedom I wasn’t planning on for another few years.  I’d SO much rather be bound.  So, the tears started AGAIN….  What is it with me and restaurants the last couple days?  So much for improved emotional balance!

That’s is one of the more inconvenient parts of grief.  When the tears want to come its not at the times that would be easier to let them flow.  Trace said, “People are going to think I am being mean to you.  Do you want to write ‘Help Me’ on a napkin?”  He can always make me laugh even when my feelings are flowing out of my eyes in public.

I have been a mom since I was TJ’s age….  I have always had a child who needed me.  I know Carlie and TJ need me as their mom and always will.  As adults its not the same need or level of care.  I have felt lost without anyone needing me to be their mom at home.  Trace reminded me he and the cat need us as their mom which is true on many levels.  It’s still a loss of a role that has defined me for more then 25 years.  I’ll help you with the math.  I am 44.  I got pregnant with Carlie at 19 and had her a couple months into being 20.   I love being needed as a mother SO deeply that is like suffering another loss to not have any more ‘children’ who need me in this way.  Agh…. I miss it.

So, what do I do?  Where do I go from here? Well, I laugh, I cry, I hug a little longer and more then I use too.   We keep moving forward in a path we didn’t want working to find peace, joy and meaning in the new life we have.  Its not easy.  Its certainly worth it!