Well….

Its July now and we have made it ten months without my pup.  Its super tough moving forward while also looking back at his last summer.  He really like the lazy days with no set schedule.  We often called him our couch potato as he could lounge around all day long.  If he wanted to do something he would always get clean taking super long showers and then do his hair, put on deodorant and his favorite cologne.  He frequently asked me how he looked.  When I told him he looked good he would always say I “had” to say that because I was his mom.  I said no, if you looked like crap I would tell you.  Then I told him he was welcome for good genetics!  It was our easy banter.  Trace made a blanket with a picture of him which takes up a spot on the couch so he is still hanging on the couch.

He spent last summer at home, with friends going on long board rides, hammocking and staying out late!  We go to our family cabin in Fairview each year for the 4th of July.  It was really hard getting ready this year knowing he wouldn’t be there.  He LOVED the cabin.  He has been going since I was pregnant with him.  He loved to hike, collect fire wood, get and keep the fire going.  He would always jump into a card game, help wherever it was needed and enjoy all the games played with cousins.  As we got ready to leave my heart tore again having to go without him.  It hurts SO bad knowing he can NEVER climb into the back of the Outback for the drive south.

I brought his ax and log splitter so he could be there with us.  TJ wore some of his favorite tank tops.  Carlie and Mickey lead us in the card game Golf.  Hammocks were hung and sat in.  Instead of making the hike to the top of the ridge we rented 4-wheelers to get us to the spot he and his cousin Tayson hiked to last July.  So bitter sweet to stand where he stood less then a year ago.  Those were some of the last pictures in his phone.  He loved the view from up top.  We made new memories, explored new places and had new adventures in the name of moving forward.  We did this with an ache in our hearts for a boy who loved to explore.

The end of last July he was able to spend time in Island Park with my dad, Tess, my sisters Becky and Kelly and their families and my little brother Cornell.  What fun memories for all to have this time with him.  Its so bitter sweet to be grateful for the time we did get while we long to have more of what can never be.

Now as August approaches my mind wanders back to his last month on earth.  How we talked, laughed, joked, ate, went to movies, drove around Wayne County and enjoyed time together.  I have often asked myself if I had known it was his last month, his last summer, his last back to school shopping, his last locker assignment would I have done things different.

YES, for all I am worth YES.  I would have made him stay…….

He died by his own hand of his own choice and this tears at my mind and heart.  WHY….  WHY didn’t he ask for help?  WHY didn’t he say he was struggling?  WHY did he ‘act’ like everything was ok if it wasn’t?  WHY would he not want to fight for his own tomorrow?  He was a gritty stubborn kid who never backed away from a challenge.  If hard work was needed he was the first to jump in.  WHY didn’t he fight for himself?  WHY didn’t he let us fight for him?  I can’t make sense of him choosing to leave.

So…. I keep looking for things to learn, ways to move forward without moving on.  I check in with my own mind and heart daily to see if I am working on maintaining or re-gaining balance.  I let my heart ache and break over what could have been.  I fight for Trace, for Carlie, for TJ for this new life as a family unit without one of our own.

Its NOT easy.  Its hard.  It hurts.  It takes constant effort and awareness.  I get the desire to want to escape, to numb the pain.  I totally understand how people could get lost inside their own despair.  That is a real and valid option.  Its not one I am interested in.

This leaves me with choice and a willingness to learn, grow, teach and share.  I want to help myself and others.  I choose to fight, to walk, crawl and slither my way forward.  I seek the light.  I look for love and gratitude in all I have been given.  My life is SO deeply blessed with love, laughter, kindness and good people. The pain of loss is raw and real.  It claims my peace of mind and heart often.  After I let it wash over and through me I move ahead a little #More aware of how precious life is.  I strive to #BeReal through open honest vulnerable sharing my thoughts and feelings with others.

As Joey liked to say, “You got this!”