Eight weeks ago Sunday my sweet, handsome, funny, kind pup decided to take his own life. To say the past eight weeks have been a roller coaster ride would be putting it mildly.  Sundays bring a roller coaster of emotions and mental images of re-living the fateful day Joey choose to leave.
I am going to go back about eight years when I started having recurring sinus infections. They got so bad I was constantly in pain with severe headaches often turning to migraines. I was on constant antibiotics and sinus meds. Honestly looking back I am glad my liver survived all the Advil! Over the course of these years I had two sinus surgeries and a myriad of other medical exams and tests as my body keep declining. I went several months without being able to digest solid food, I had constant body aches like the flu and so little energy sometimes the effort to walk to the bathroom felt like it was going to do me in. I developed celiac’s and other food allergies during this time including intolerance for sugar. That was an extra tough thing as I have a big sweet tooth. I became ultra sensitive to chemicals of any kind where exposure caused skin rashes and breathing difficulty. I became unable to tolerate artificial lights even the glare of headlights in a side or rear view mirror caused pain and instant headaches. After seven different specialist, two Natural Path MD’s, years of pain and suffering where I often prayed to be taken we found black mold growing in an unused water softener in the furnace room in our basement. This discovery was May of 2017.
In the world of health and wellness finding and getting rid of the water softener was sure to cure me right? Not that fast…. I didn’t notice any difference at all initially. Then some of my appetite returned followed by some better energy levels. This all felt promising. Eating anything still caused bloating, headaches and pain. I often feel burning at my shoulder blades and heart pains that get so strong I feel like I wouldn’t be able to take in my next breath without my heart giving out.
Labor Day weekend rolled around the first of September and so we decided to paint some interior doors that we had replaced when we bought the house. My cute boys got them off the hinges and out to the garage. Joey took a couple off we didn’t plan on painting so we joked and laughed while he re-carried and hung them.
The paint fumes did a number on me and I ended up in bed Sunday and Labor Day Monday. Trace worked on Labor Day so Joey and I hung at home with him checking on me bringing me water or an ice pack to help with migraine level headaches.
He stayed home from school Friday that week as he said his stomach was upset. He wasn’t a complainer and was rarely sick so I got him sprite and saltines while he camped on the futon downstairs. He spent most of Saturday down there as well. Carlie was in town and we spent a good part of Saturday taking care of my mom and Neil.
We brought home Pei Wei for Trace and Joey. They ate orange chicken together Saturday night. Looking back this was his last meal. I told Trace Joey seemed off so I hoped me would feel better soon. Sunday brought Joey back around to full function with his easy “Chill” temperament. He was showered and dressed, helping, laughing and joking. He mowed the lawn, whitened his teeth. He showed Carlie how to use his throwing knives. She sat on the back deck with him and said she’d never noticed how many freckles he had on his elbows.
At one point during the afternoon when I was in the recliner reading and Carlie was watching something on Netflix he asked if this was all we were doing and we said yes. Trace was at work and TJ was next door with Mitch.
WE DIDN’T KNOW…. WE HAD NO IDEA what was to come….
He didn’t want the spaghetti I made for dinner. He said he was going to go to Kraver’s with Keggen. Awhile after Trace got home he said he was headed to Keggen’s. He hugged me like he always did when he left. There was nothing longer or unusual in his embrace. He touched Trace’s arm as he went by saying, “See you later Pops”.
Just over an hour later at 9:17 pm Trace and I got a text from him saying, “I love you”.  Then he was gone……How could that be? How could our Joey not be here and by his own hand? Our world stopped. Our world shifted. Our world changed in an evening.
We are still working to figure out this “New” world without him. We are working our way inside of a new world having a son who committed suicide. We are struggling through moving ahead while looking back not able to reconcile what, why, how our beautiful boy could have done this.
We have lost so much. We have also learned to ‘see’ how much we still do have in our lives with our love for each other and him.
We have found ways to appreciate things no parents should have to appreciate like the fact he didn’t take his life at home, that we were spared finding his bleeding lifeless body. None of this is easy yet we have discovered tender mercies in the events as they un-folded that night. There was a couple sitting watching the trains when he went by. They heard the shot. They called for help. They met Joey in death and did what they were able to try to help him live.
The father of one of Joey’s friends went back up after the scene was cleared as they had to treat it like a possible homicide/suicide initially. I didn’t know that. Not something I wanted to be aware of. He cleaned up the blood spilled from our beautiful boy.
We met kind and devoted officers, crisis workers, medical examiners office employees. We had our home flooded with family, friends, an out pouring of love that took our breath away. We were literally held in the arms and hearts of SO many it gave us strength to face those first hours, days and the week ahead. Having to schedule, plan and go through a viewing a funeral for your child is wicked. Not a life event or circumstance you want to find yourself in.
More to come…..