The past month has been like an emotional ride through Dr. Strange’s parallel dimensions.  I have my mind and heart swirl around being here in the present while consistently going back to a year ago when Joey was here for his last month on earth.  I get up each day moving forward towards tomorrow.

I look back to a kid who was fun to be with, who had a quick whit and easy banter.  He was also someone who was comfortable with silence.  We went to a Bee’s Baseball Game on August 10th.  TJ, a work friend and Olivia went with us.  We ate dinner at R&R BBQ downtown.  We listened to Yacht Rock and sang at the top of our lungs.  Well, maybe I did!!  We laughed, we joked around and truly enjoyed a night out together.  Joey thought I was swearing unnecessarily when ‘Rich Girl” by Hall & Oates came on…  Olivia was his girl.  He had deep real feelings for her.  When they were together her smile was a little brighter,  her laugh a little louder.  He wrote a note saying he knew he was young but he knew love and he loved her.  So do we…..

Joey liked lazy summer days.  He would lay around, watch Netflix, eat Party Pizza’s and then when something fun came along he would take a too long shower, gel his hair to thick perfection with his Paul Mitchell styling creme, put on his Men’s Degree deodorant and spray himself generously with his True Religion cologne.  Often he would say, “Do I look good ma?”  I almost always said, “Yes, honey your a good looking kid.  Your welcome for the good genes!”  One time he had on a pineapple button up shirt paired with tan shorts that had pineapples on them.  That time when he asked how he looked I told him he needed to go change!!  TOO many pineapples!!  He would go out for rides on his long board listening to music.  He loved to load up the Adventure Bag with extra hammocks and snacks then meet up with friends.  He had money for a Soleberg’s run or cheese fries from Kravers.  His back pack usually had some Take 5 Gum and Lip Smackers chap stick so he could freshen his breath  and soften his lips after all the eating!

His dear friend Jade moved down to southern Utah the second week of August.  This was a punch to his heart.  He loved hanging out with Jade.  They often spent time sitting on the Erda Railroad Tracks.  They listened to music, talked about life, enjoyed playing games with her younger siblings, visiting her uncle’s horse and of course baby kittens.  The night he had to say goodbye to her I came to pick him up.  They were holding onto each other tight.  He gave really good long hugs.  This was different.  It was a hug of longing and desperation.  The pain in the air was palatable.  I cried watching them.  He cared deeply.  He loved Jade, so do we.  Their friendship is one to last the test of time.

We had some large trees out back cut down the middle of August.  Joey kept throwing logs over the fence to save by the fire pit.  He helped the guy we hired move branches, load logs and clean up.  He was always more then willing to jump in and help.

We shopped for back to school clothes.  He had his own specific style with unique Stance socks, Van shoes, his joggers and either a button up or cute t-shirt.  He loved his tank tops with a single pocket all summer but those had to go for school!  He had new things but liked his older more broken in stuff.  The first day of his Sophomore year he wore tan joggers that he had ripped a hole in the side of while climbing a tree.  He did put on a new white undershirt and his light blue button up with pineapples!  He would NOT get new Vans.  He said he didn’t need them though the ones he wore were ripped in several places.  He kept saying they were ‘fine’.

School started.  Back to the routine of him not eating breakfast, staying up late then coming home starving and sleeping for hours.  Then he wasn’t tired so the cycle continued.  He liked his classes and was glad to be able to see more friends.  He carried all his books everyday so his locker could be fully devoted to snacks!  We loaded it up. He said the lunch lines were often too long so he didn’t have time to make it through.  So, the snack locker was born!  SHS has allowed us to keep this going!!  The Homies have the combo so get with them for to have a snack and remember my pup.

September arrived.  We didn’t know we only had ten more days…..

As I sit here now here today almost one year without my precious boy looking back to see if I missed something.  If there was some blaring sign I missed by a mile my heart breaks and aches over and over again.

September 10th is WORLD Suicide Awareness Day.   WHAT?  My child took his life on the global awareness day?  NO…..  WHY….  NOT MY BABY…….

With all the local and national suicide talk I often hear people say we need to talk about depression and mental health.  YES, we do!  Was Joey depressed?  Did he have mental health issues?  Not that I was aware of.  One could argue you would have to be in an altered state of mind to take your life.  The honest truth is I don’t know.

On the radio the other morning they were talking about community resources for teens to help make sure they knew they were loved and valued.  They spoke about how parents need to be expressing these things at home.  YES, I agree with my whole heart.  If you are not doing that start today.  I told Joey I loved him every day, more then once. We said it every time we spoke or left the house.  It was the last thing he said to me out loud and the last thing he text to me and his dad.  ” I love you mom”, “I love you dad”.  He isn’t dead for lack of love.

Then WHY?  For the love of everything holy WHY?  WHY would this beautiful, kind, giving young man chose to take his life?  I can’t make it make sense.  I have tried a thousand times over.  I have allowed the grief and pain from his choice and this loss to swallow me whole and spit me back out tattered and bruised.

I have racked my mind, searched my soul, asked the experts.  None of my questions have yielded an answer to explain why he did what he did.  Nothing I have learned in a year has softened the blow that he didn’t want my help. I know he knew without a doubt that I would have fought for him.  I would have given all I had and then some to help him.  He didn’t let me.  I have to live with this brutal truth all of my days.  It haunts my heart.

So, I sit here today, reflecting a year back asking myself about tomorrow.  I ask myself who will I be in the face of his choice.  Who will I be as a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and friend.  I ask what I can learn, what I can teach.  I wonder who I can help knowing what I know now that I didn’t know before suicide showed up in my life.

I have some answers, not the ones I desperately seek.  I will forever be a student of life looking for ways to grow and expand.  I sincerely seek peace for myself and others.  I truly want to be MORE because I had Joey.  I want to live my life in a way that honors ALL that he is and was.  I want him to be proud of me.

So, we started J-Day on the 12th of each month to honor him.  We invite and remind others to #BeReal and have open honest conversations with themselves and those in their lives.  We ask people to be kind, to look for little ways to connect, reach out, smile, say hello, share a snack or a long hug.  We suggest that we all have some room to #BeMore in our lives.  That might be more patient, more giving, more humble, more loving.

When I get to the end of this and look back not over one year but many I want to know that I stood for LIFE.  That I stood for LOVE.  That I didn’t let pain make be bitter.  I want to let this pain have a purpose that gives instead of takes.  I want to heal through the grief, through the tears and soul tearing agony that comes from losing someone so precious and dear.  I want to leave here like the Velveteen Rabbit wore out at the stitches with a few pieces missing from a life well lived.

I am headed to Oregon for a Joey’s Family Goonies Adventure!  We plan to hit the one year mark of him leaving together.

I know we will laugh, we will cry, we will hug, give and receive comfort in being together.  My life has been so richly blessed in and through this loss.  There is SO much good, SO much kindness, SO much love all around us.  I have had whispering’s of peace from eternity. I have received blessings that opened my mind and heart to peace only as God can give peace through his son Jesus Christ.  These are scared gifts given freely.  They are a treasure.  In and of themselves they don’t remove all pain.  That is not the way of this.  We are here to FEEL.  We are here to experience the pain and the joy that life has in equal and sometimes unequal measures.  I know this.  I believe in eternity.  I know I will be with Joey again.  That knowledge doesn’t make me miss him less.  I feel a little less Christian when people tell me he is in a better place.  He was in a fine place here with me!!  Perhaps I need to write a cliff notes of well meaning words that don’t land well!!

As I move to the future I often hear my sweet friend Brandi’s words when she said, “If you can help someone by sharing then your pain won’t be wasted.”  I don’t want all this to be wasted.  So, as we head into our next year without him it will be with a clear desire to help, to live, to give and serve as I know he would want us to do.  We will fight through the dark moments where it feels like a kick to the gut and punch to the heart.  We will dry our eyes and blow our noses with Puff’s Plus Lotion!  It really is the best tissue out there. I would not want to grieve without it!

#SuicideIsNotTheAnswer

All my love!

Genna