Yin and Yang

Pleasure and Pain

Light and Dark

Peace and Turmoil

Gratitude and Despair

I consider myself an aware person.  I work at paying attention to others, being conscience of their needs or wants.  I often notice when someone is feeling ‘off’ which allows me the chance to offer a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.  I know life is full of moments of light, love, kindness, support, inspiration, insight and divine guidance.  I also know life has a lot of difficult, dark, awkward, confusing, hard moments or conversations that need to be had.

In the almost year and a half after losing my son Joey I have felt an immeasurable amount of both light and dark.  My husband called the days and weeks after Joey left a beautiful mess.

We could no more deny the absolute heart wrenching pain from the sudden loss of our son then we could deny the incredible depth of love and support we received from family, friends and strangers alike.

I have described these opposite feelings related to an old fashioned taffy pull where you are going back and forth feeling pulled and stretched both ways.

The year with all of the ‘firsts’ after Joey died felt like this ALL the time.  His first birthday a month and two days after he took his life was a fun filled day with so many memories shared and made, so gut wrenching that he never got to be here for his Sweet 16.  The first Thanksgiving where your heart is full to over flowing for all the blessing you DO have while it feels torn apart from what you lost.  Then the first holidays where he wasn’t there to cook for, buy Christmas PJ’s for, enjoy or love.

A new year came.  Every one said, “Happy New Year” and I had to fight back tears.  2018 would be a year my son would never be a part of.  A year I would never see his smile, hear his laughter, feel his arms wrapped tight around me in one of his great hugs.  It didn’t feel happy at all.  The first Mother’s Day I felt destroyed.  We were out of our house due to a fire.  All of my perennials had been torn out by gardeners ‘cleaning’ up my flower beds.  I had gluten cross contamination twice eating out.  I was a mess physically, mentally and emotionally.  I love Carlie and TJ my two oldest children with every fiber of my being.  Having them in my life and loving them both completely did nothing to ease the pain of NOT having Joey any more.

One joy does not counter act another pain.  Its hard to feel grateful and destroyed at the same time.

So, as in so much of life we float back and forth between the dichotomy of opposites.  Love and frustration.  Pleasure and pain.  Laughter and tears.  Hope and despair.  Peace and Turmoil.  Acceptance and denial.  Kindness and cruelty.  Giving and taking.  Understanding and rejection.

Through all the ups and downs, hills and valleys, gut wrenching heartaches and peace filled stillness I am eternally grateful for it all.  I can’t remember if I wrote about the Velveteen Rabbit on here previously.  I love that story and the message to live a full life, one where you get worn out from feeling things, one that leaves you a little loose in the stitches with a button or two missing.  I certainly am more aware of the importance of living, truly being present to the gift that life is.  I read a quote that said,

“The tragedy of life is not death,

but what we let die inside us while we live.”

I for one plan to live.  I seek peace, I look for light and gather love in my interactions with others.  Doing this with an open heart and mind allows me the strength to weather the times that are tough, the moments that bring me to my knees figuratively and literally.  I am grateful to know that all deep feeling ease and sometimes pass with time.  This brings me comfort and purpose, I hope something in my words does the same for you.

All my best!

Genna