I went to the cemetery today.  When Joey took his life he asked to be cremated.  We honored those wishes.  In the just over a year and a half since he left having a ‘place’ where he ‘is’ has been a missing.

In the days after he died I asked my Aunt and Uncle who lost their son in a car accident what they knew that I didn’t.  My sweet Aunt told me that she understood that Joey asked to be cremated and wild horses couldn’t have kept her from doing something she knew her boy would have wanted.  However, she also shared how many times they had driven by or stopped at the cemetery and found things left for him.  She said, “people need a place.”

When I shared this with my husband and children we all agreed that we didn’t want a burial plot so we proceeded with cremating Joey and keeping his ashes.  We also discussed having a bench made in his honor and put at Woodland Park where he often liked to hammock with his friends.

We petitioned the service agency where we live after his death and got approval for the bench.  Then with a new manager our bench was put on hold due to some tree removal.  This has been the case for over a year so we are moving forward with a new plan.

We will bury some of Joey’s ashes then have the bench with a marker for him so friends and family can go to a place to remember, honor and ‘connect’ with him.

So much of this grief journey is related to our five senses.  I miss seeing him.  I miss being able to touch him.  As much as it drove us nuttty while he was here making all kinds of sounds, crashes, breaking things and such oh how I miss hearing him.  Its a longing that time does little to ease.

While I was waiting at the cemetery an older gentlemen got out, walked with the aide of a cane out onto the grass to a headstone.  He laid on his side on the ground for a time.  I could feel his sadness and longing from across the distance of the cemetery.  When he reached out his hand and pressed it to the cold stone a thousands warriors couldn’t have held back the tears that flowed down my cheeks.

I could feel how he longed to touch his loved one.  I could sense the missing of seeing, hearing, touching.  The ache is so acute at times it steals your breath.  I had to look away as I felt like I was intruding on his time, their private moment and only way to share time together.

So, the plan is to have Joeys ashes and a bench before we get to the two year anniversary of his death.  Hard to think that’s a few short months away.

I miss you puppy.  I love you with all I am.  I hope you are proud of us, that you are happy with how we are finding ways to honor you and move forward.  I long to see you.  I long to hear your voice.  I long to feel your arms wrapped tight around me in one of your awesome hugs.

All my best,

Genna

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