“All at once, summer collapsed into fall.” – Oscar Wilde

 

SUMMER & DRAGONFLIES

“The breeze taste of apple peel….”

– John Updike, September

 

As I type this, I have summer’s apple harvest in the oven smeared with homemade caramel sauce, fresh peach pops in the freezer along with homemade raspberry and blackberry chia seed jam.  The high today is in the seventies and a fall chill could be felt on the morning breeze.  I love the bounty of a summer’s harvest both in the things I have grown and the variety available at local Farmer’s Markets.  I feel the pull to preserve the tastes of summer in dehydrating or freezing the fresh local grown berries that soon will be no more.

If you have ever grown anything yourself, you know the harvest has a time of its own.  It does not care what your schedule holds.  There is no regard in ripe fruit for job schedules, back to school or fall sports.  When it’s ready it is simply ready.  Natures time is its own.  This reminds me to be present to the beauty around me. It is a reminder of the bounty that surrounds us in this beautiful place.  I am grateful for the summer sun, its light and heat and what is shared in time with nature and friends outside.

This summer was unlike many others, yet the colors, sights and tastes remain familiar.  I find great pleasure in a sun ripened tomato, a cucumber fresh from the vine, smelling the honeysuckle in bloom.

I have large butterfly bushes in my backyard where hummingbirds and dragonflies like to visit.  I enjoy watching their flight from here to there.  I have always had a thing for dragon flies.  I have many inside and outside decorations that include them.  In almost every part of the world, the dragonfly symbolizes change, transformation, adaptability, and self-realization.  I was drawn to them before I had any understanding of a dragon flies deeper symbolism.  My dad shared information from a documentary he watched detailing a dragon fly’s eyes.  It talked about how immense their range of vision is.  Each dragon fly has two large compound eyes each with thousands of lenses and three eyes with simple lenses.  I did not know this, did you?

It made me consider this scope of vision on a mental and emotional level.  What if we could see things from these many lenses?  What if we were able to allow our minds and hearts a view of this magnitude into other people’s lives and views?

Would we have more acceptance

More patience

More understanding

More allowance for others to feel different than we do

More gratitude for the good in our lives?

Perhaps as summer cools and we move into the quieter days of fall we can take a lesson from nature.  Be present too and give time to those things that are right before us.  Perhaps we can learn from the dragon fly to look at all things with a little wider and deeper view.  Maybe, just maybe these two small and simple things will allow us to be more aware of and present to the great and good things we have in our lives.

Let us give it a try!

 

ALONE

 

“Solitude is where I place my chaos to rest and awaken my inner peace.”

-Micki Rowe 

My husband and I have been watching a series called Alone.  If you are not familiar with the series it drops ten people into separate remote locations where they must provide food, water and shelter while filming themselves alone.  There are natural and predator challenges. We just finished season two.  Both seasons were set on Vancouver Island in British Columbia.  We have certainly become couch survival experts with the thermostat set to 73, lights on, running water and food in the fridge!  We can tell you what shelter is best to build, how to quickly start a fire in damp conditions and scare off curious bears!

I have learned many things about myself watching this series.  I hope to never be hungry enough to be excited to eat a mouse!  I plan to never sleep where a tarp and string separate me from wild animals.  I appreciate warm running water, the ability to be clean and wash clothes.  I am grateful for regular food that is easy to access and prepare.  I am thankful for a soft mattress and a warm dry place to rest each night.  I like my alone time with the option to be with people I enjoy.

There are quotes at the beginning of each episode that I have enjoyed.  The winner of season two shared thoughts as he left the island.  He said we all suffer; it is what we do with the suffering that is the measure of who we are.  Do we let our hardships harden us and make us bitter?  Or do we let them soften us and make us more caring and aware of others who have or are suffering too?

Living during this pandemic has brought aspects of being alone and suffering to the fore front.  I went months without seeing some family or co-workers.  Some of you spent NO time alone and wished to be dropped in a remote location just for some quiet and solitude!  Too much together time and noise can create feeling of suffrage.

It is interesting to watch the mental and emotional journey of the participants as they face the physical challenges of living alone off the land.  My grandma used to always say the worse punishment in prison is solitary confinement.  We are meant to be together.  There is an innate human need to connect, to share, to help and support each other.

This pandemic has strained this natural part of our human make up and yet I have seen so many people and places adapt in new and amazing ways.  I have watched distant socializing, people being aware of shared space in thoughtful regard of others.  I have been fortunate to care for my mom during this time.  It has made me more present to the gift of her, the gift of serving and providing for her needs when she is unable mentally and physically to care for herself.

Life is precious, time is short, and love is real!

I invite those of you who need some alone time away from children or family to create it!  Get outside, make time to walk and breath deep so you can create moments of peace from the inside out.  Those of you who have had lots of alone time I invite you to create new ways to connect via social distance or online platforms.

I need a certain amount of alone time, it rejuvenates me, calms my mind, and centers my soul.  It also helps me be a better human for times of interactions.  I think its important to know and understand your personal needs and preferences when it comes to times of solitude and times of connection.

My cute husband faked sick when he was little to stay home and watch Mr. Rogers. You have got to love a man who did that right!  He will often say, “What did Mr. Rogers say? “Look for the helpers”.”  No matter where we are on this journey called life, whether our house is full of people or empty.  We can always find a way to connect, to help, to ease suffering.  The person who needs the most care might be looking at you in the mirror!

 

THREE YEARS

September is Suicide Awareness Month.  The World Suicide Prevention Day is September 10^th.

This upcoming World Suicide Prevention Day will mark the three-year anniversary of my son dying by suicide. I have had almost three years for that to take root inside my mind and heart.

My daughter called a few weeks ago after watching something where people were discussing their worst fears.  Before losing a child, it could have been easy to say that was the top spot on that list.  Now, almost three years after last hearing him speak, laugh, and last feeling his embrace living without him is a reality not a fear.  I did not know my son Joey was at risk.  I had no idea he was struggling with any big life thing let alone life itself.  I was never afraid of losing someone close to me to suicide.  It was something I only read about or heard on the news.  It was something that affected other families, not mine.

Yet, on that Sunday night he left with a “love you bye” knowing it would be the last time he spoke those words.  His last text was I love you.  He did not let us know he was in pain or that he needed help.  I never got the chance to fight for him.  I can tell you that I could have battled demons at the gates of hell for my boy and won.  Defeat is a lonely place when you did not even get a chance to fight.

In the solitude of the pain of his death I found others who also had experienced this type of loss.  I meet mothers, fathers, connected with friends who had lost a parent or sibling to suicide.  As strange as it sounds to say there is a comfort and connection in the shared pain.  Validation existed in hearing other stories where I had once felt alone in my despair.

There is an 80’s country song with a line that says, “time will ease your pain.”  There is truth in this.  It certainly does not hurt like it use too.  The time and effort I have invested into healing, learning, understanding what I can understand and finding ways to let go of the things I can’t has brought a measure of this ease.

Death is a natural part of life.  We know this.  We see it here in Utah with the changing of the seasons from summer to fall.  We will watch the plants and flowers die and the leaves pass from the trees.  Even knowing there is an end we still experience so many emotions when someone we love leaves.

I have stood next to my grandma and my bonus dad while they took their last breath.  It was a beautiful and peaceful experience as their bodies had failed after long full lives.  Tears still came, mourning, and grieving them no longer being here still happened.  This is part of the process of love.  How very lucky we are to be able to care, love and feel so deeply about others that the sting of loss can be so bitter.

Different losses bring different levels of pain with them.  I cried every day for more than a year after Joey died.  I did not know a human body could produce that many tears.  I didn’t know missing someone could hurt physically like it did to miss my child.  I learned what true anguish feels like.  I am a Christian and finally understood the biblical reference to weeping and whaling and gnashing of teeth.  Grieving the loss of my beautiful baby hurt like that.  I did not understand then any more than I do now why he died by suicide.  Not understanding is something I live with.

So, like this pandemic life brings us things we do not want, things that we do not like.  I have come to know all there is to do is move forward, to learn, to adapt to new circumstances.  This is both the challenge and opportunity.

One thing I know for certain is that when I see my boy again someday I want him to be proud of how I moved forward, of how I loved, of who I fought for with the love I was no longer able to share with him here.  That is my hope and desire to love, serve, ease suffering where I am able, to help someone feeling alone be connected again.

I invite you to find something in your life to do or give in honor of someone you have lost.  Keep your love for them alive in how you live and who you are for others.  For me this is rewarding and brings a measure of peace to a battered mind and heart.

I wish you everything good.

Stay healthy, happy, and safe!

All my best,

Genna