LIFE | LOVE | LOSS

“The humanity we all share is more important than the mental illnesses we may not.”
Elyn R. Saks

Thank you for making time to read our THMF Newsletter.  The intention of all the hands, minds and hearts that touch the Taylor Hagen Memorial Foundation is for the words, thoughts and resources shared here to bring insight, perspective, peace, and joy in all that you face.

MENTAL HEALTH

“You don’t have to be positive all the time.  It’s perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared and anxious.  Having feelings doesn’t make you a negative person.  It makes you human.”

Lori Deschene

If you were not aware the month of May is devoted to mental health awareness.  I am so grateful this topic is getting more and more visibility and traction.  Gone are the days when you would rub dirt on a wound and try not to cry to show how strong you were.  Now more than ever we can see the true bravery in vulnerability, in being able to be real about our thoughts and emotions and how they are affecting us.  Thank goodness!

We are on the right track and making significant progress.  There is still a lot of work to be done.  We talk freely about so many physical issues we face.  Right now, it’s hard to have a conversation that doesn’t involve talk about vaccines.  People freely share about health concerns, labs, or medications they are taking yet when it comes to things of the mind and our mental well being sometimes less is spoken of.

Why is that?  It still seems like there is a lot of stigma around mental health and how our brains work.  Why is it easier to tell someone you are going in for a routine physical exam but not talk openly about seeing a therapist or psychiatrist?  I am not sure why it seems more socially acceptable to talk about shots, meds and tests then it does to mention depression, anxiety, panic attacks, OCD tendencies and so much more.

I have a great deal of questions I do not have clear answers too.  So, when it comes to mental health here is what I do know.  IT MATTERS.  You are the only one in your own mind.  It is a vital organ that needs routine care and extra maintenance at certain intervals or times in our lives.  Be open about your triggers, and what sets you off.  Have a person in your life who will listen and champion you in these things.  If you have seasonal depressive issues get a SAD light!  Once you are clear on what things set you off or as I like to say ‘make me twitch’ then you can create plans to mitigate or minimize these things. 

I have a strong case of OCD or CDO if we are alphabetizing it!  Sometimes I can manage it and other times it runs me.  If you try to put chips or bread in front of the canned goods at the check out at the grocery store, I feel like I am going to come un-done.  I get super anxious in large crowds.  My husband knows this so if we go to a concert or large event we always leave early or wait after until people clear out.  There are a hundred little things you can do to know and support yourself or those in your life, so they feel more comfortable in situations or circumstance that cause them some angst.

Get a life coach, a person whether it is a professional, a family member or close friend who you can be 100% unfiltered totally real and true with.  Make time to check in with them.  As we do physical check-ups and oil changes on vehicles, we also need to do routine mental health checkups.  Everyone is dealing with something.  Some of it you can see most of it you cannot.  Kindness for ourselves and others goes a long way to ease a weary mind and heart. So, if nothing else choose kindness in your own mind and heart so you have it to share.

What puts your mind at ease?  How often are you doing something with the purpose of mental wellbeing?  I encourage you to lean into any issues you have.  Share them with those close to you who you trust so they can understand and support you more.  Be honest with yourself if things are overwhelming you so you can say no or take a break from something or someone. 

Remember most of all to let yourself feel.  Allow yourself to embrace all the emotions of life, even the unfavorable or messy ones.  It truly is part of being human, feeling all there is to feel.  My last hot tip is if you are going through stuff where your feelings take you to tears get some good tissue and small ice packs in the freezer for puffy eyes.  I only like to cry with Puff’s plus lotion!  These are small simple things that help in taking care of you!

FORGIVENESS

“I think the first step is to understand that forgiveness does not exonerate the perpetrator.  Forgiveness liberates the victim.  It’s a gift you give yourself.”

-T. D. Jakes

Let us talk about forgiveness.  No this is not a religious conversation or one that will condemn.  Leave all those notions at judgements at the door.

I believe we are our own worst critics most of the time.  I think we can be harder on ourselves than many outside forces or comments.  Yes, I understand there are exceptions to this as some people can be downright cruel.  I am sorry for that.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool in mental wellness.  Have you ever made a list related to forgiving?  Take a minute and think that one over.  Stop reading and get a pen and paper or open your notes app.  Start with you.  What things do you need to forgive yourself for?  What transgressions have you made that you continue to be judge and jury in your own mind and heart giving yourself a guilty verdict?

Does the list contain things you did, on purpose with intent?  Or are there more things you wish you had done or said? 

Now, read or review all the misdeeds, wrong doings, things left unsaid or undone.  Then, pick something from the list below to say out loud.  Use them all if it fits.

I forgive myself for _______. 

I forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now. 

I forgive myself for hurting ________. 

I forgive myself for being mean, for saying unkind things. 

I forgive myself for causing pain to _______.

I forgive myself for not doing more/ less.

I forgive myself for not caring enough, for not showing up.

Take three deep breaths in your nose and blow the air slowly out your mouth.  Do three more if you want allowing your mind and body to relax more and more with each deep breath.

Now how does that feel?  If it feels good, make a new list starting from the beginning with parents, siblings, etc.  Work your way through declared forgiveness so you can give yourself the gift of peace.

Now go forward being willing to learn, grow and make mistakes.  Remember to forgive yourself and others along the way.  They do not have a script either.  Make choices to surround yourself with those who bring you up and leave you feeling lifted after you are with them.  Be a force for good in your own life starting with the peace that can come from forgiving!

UNWANTED FREEDOM

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”

-Nelson Mandela

When we lose someone, we love it hurts.  It can hurt BAD.  Depending on who that person was in your life you might find yourself with a new unwanted freedom.

For example, many people have a new time freedom they did not want.  They may no longer have someone to share meals with, talk to daily or see at work.  They might have lost their closest friend or revered love. A cherished parent or sibling or cousin.  If the loss was a child there is an emptiness where time was spent caring for and nurturing the child.

Sometimes there is a new unwanted financial freedom.  I have heard people suffering a loss say, “I didn’t want the life insurance money, I want _______ back.”  While this can be a blessing in being able to cover final expenses, it can also feel like an unwanted new freedom that comes at a cost no life policy can cover.

I know when my youngest son Joey took his life, we had a new and unexpected freedom in our lives.  We felt like a train that had skipped its track.  Our other two children were adults and moving forward with their lives.  One was married and out of the house.  Joey was our baby, we still gave him rides to friends, checked on his schoolwork, made sure he had money on his lunch account and debit card.  We were all the sudden thrust into a new reality with no children to raise.  When Joey died, I had been a mom for twenty four years.  My identity as a woman was defined by my role as a mother.  All the sudden, literally in one night no one needed me to mother them.  I felt this loss acutely.  I wanted to finish raising him.  See what kind of man he would grow to be.  Instead, I got an unwanted freedom of time and money.  Teenage boys and friends could eat, and I no longer had one to feed. 

I have talked before about the dichotomy of opposites in death.  This is where you can feel seemingly opposing emotions all around the same event or circumstance inside the event.  I found myself feeling resentful of the time and money freedom.  I wanted the mess, the time driving him around, talking, laughing, the expense, my son.  I also felt happy and blessed to have this newfound freedom.  How could I feel both ways?

I decided early on to lean into the pain.  Allow the sorrow to wash over and through me when it needed too.  I cried HARD for a year straight.  I felt what there was to feel.  Forgave myself for what I did not know.  Allowed myself to stand in a new and unwanted place and view it as the field of all possibilities.  I asked myself then what I often do now, how will I honor him?  How will I live and love to show how very special he is and was to me?  How will others know of his goodness, his kind deeds, and words?  I continue to strive to use this unwanted gift of time for the purpose of healing for me and you.

What will you do with the unwanted freedoms you have?

I wish you everything good.

All my best,

Genna