LIFE | LOVE | LOSS

“The strongest of all warriors are these two – time and patience.”  Leo Jolstoy

ALLOWING PAIN TO ENLARGE YOU

“I did not go through pain and come out the other side;

Instead, I lived in it and found within that pain the grace to survive and eventually grow.

I did not get over the loss of my loved ones;

Rather I absorbed the pain into my life,

Like soil receiving decaying matter,

Until it became a part of who I am.

Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it.”

-Jerry Sittser, A Grace Disguised

Last month a cousin of mine shared an article by Dr. Lois Tonkin called “Growing Around Grief”.  It is a wonderful article with thought provoking insights on navigating grief. 

How many times have you heard someone say, “Time heals all wounds?”  Convention would say that pain from loss gets smaller as time passes by.  Dr. Tonkin shares the idea that this is not the case at all.  She says we grow and expand around the grief.  The pain itself just is.  It does not diminish or get smaller over time.

I loved this concept as well as the words of Jerry Sitter above.  I do feel like with effort, intention, patience, tears, love and understanding we do grow.  Doing all these things over time helps us expand and find ways to live bigger because of the person we loved who is no longer with us.  “Like soil receiving decaying matter” I want to allow the grief over losing my precious son Joey to edify and nourish my life.  I want all the good he is and was while here to be the fertilizer in my own growth and development.  I know this is possible and a lifelong journey that is worthwhile.

TEARS

“There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.  They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love”

-Washington Irving

The comments on tears below are taken from Jennifer Stern, LISW.  They were shared with permission in the Heart to Heart Newsletter published by Caring Connections.  I share them here as I truly believe we must FEEL in order to HEAL.  Tears are part of that process.

“Let your tear fall with pride for they are not a sign of weakness or self-pity, but an authentic expression of sorrow.  It takes great courage to feel your feelings, to express your feelings openly and honestly.  It takes great strength to tend to your sorrow.  Crying is not for the weak of heart.  Crying expresses what few words can or ever will.  Our work in grief is to feel, to express, to accept, to integrate, to heal.  Greif work takes guts, persistence, patience, self-compassion and courage, lots and lots of courage.  Tears are the sweat of grief work.

In an article by Judith Orloff M.D. in Psychology Today, she discusses the health benefits of tears.  She describes a good cry as cleansing, a way to purge pent up emotions, and to release stress symptoms such as fatigue and pain.  Crying stimulates the production of endorphins which are natural pain blockers.

Crying is good for your health, your mind, your body and your spirit.  It is a natural cleanse stimulating the release of pain.  Give yourself permission as weiil as the time and space to work through your grief, to feel and express your feelings as they come.  Find solace in knowing that tears are an expression of our unspoken words, our sadness, our pain leaving our bodies.  Practice self-compassion, patience, and the active nurturing of your soul and remember that every tear shed carries with it pain and stress.”

Jennifer’s web site is www.transformativegrief.com 

I invite you to be real!  To sit in silence with the joys and pains of your own heart.  To then share those with someone you trust.  I didn’t know the human body could produce the number of tears I cried when my son died.  I cried, sobbed, wept and wailed almost daily for more than a year.  Its almost been four years and last night at dinner with an Aunt I haven’t seen in years, I shed a few more tears speaking of him.  Loss is part of life.  I’ve often hear grief is the price of love when the person or pet is gone. 

May you be gentle with yourself where ever you are on life’s path of love and loss.

I wish you everything good.

All my best,

Genna