NOVEMBER 2022 LIFE | LOVE | LOSS

LIFE | LOVE | LOSS

“There is something so special in the early leaves drifting from the trees, as if we are allowed a chance to peel, to refresh, to start again.”

-Ruth Ahmed

LOVE MAKES ALL THINGS GROW

LOVE DOESN’T DIE, PEOPLE DO

“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening.

But no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love.

It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”

Sympathymessageideas.com

Love, it is a word that has so many layers, levels, feelings, songs, and poetry written for it. A simple four letters that hold more depth, more strength, more resilience than any other force on the planet.

To love and be loved is a precious gift. One to be held with respect, deference, awe, and appreciation. Love makes all things grow in its light, its acceptance, its joy of discovery. I am someone who loves to love! I love a new day. A kiss and a hug in the morning with my sweetheart knowing I have never embraced him today. Love can make routine things feel new. Love allows us to learn, grow, be more of who we are to show up for ourselves and those around us.

Love can shore us up during the most challenging times. Love that is torn from our lives in the form of death can leave us struggling, empty, angry, and bereft. It can leave a hole so deep, so dark it is like an unending cavern whose limits cannot be reached.

What do we do with all our love when someone dies? I am sure you have heard the saying that grief is the price for love. This holds some truth for me as you have all these feelings, desires, and future ideas for the one who is gone. You want to keep loving them, celebrating birthdays, holidays, special events and occasions with them. Then they are no longer here, so now what do you DO with all this unspent love?

The first loss I remember as a child was my grandpa, my moms’ father. I was eight years old, so I only saw loss through a child’s innocence. I did not long for or miss my grandfathers as I would those I would lose in the future. I loved them, I didn’t truly know them. I lost another grandpa, a great grandma I adored and so it went through grandparents until my son Joey left on a fall’s night never to return.

Losing grandparents held its own kind of grief for me. The loss of my grandma’s was hard on my mind and heart. I was close to them both. Named after one and had the other live in my home until her final days. I missed having her to see, touch, care for and consider in my daily routine. That kind of loss was different than the others before.

Losing a child has been described as a pain like no other. I agree. There is something that feels inherently wrong about something you made, created from your own flesh to be laying lifeless before you. Seeing Joey in a casket was a sight that would haunt my mind and heart for a long time. When I gave the mortician clothes to dress him in, I included underwear. I remember thinking how silly that seemed but the mom in me also wanted him to be fully clothed in all ways before his viewing and funeral. How odd a moment of consideration it was!

So what did I do with the overwhelming pain of loss, the torment of emotions, the unspent love I had for him? I cried, I laughed, I walked and talked about him. I shared the truth of what we knew and what we didn’t. I spoke his name, went to counseling, cried some more, started J-day to honor his life, bought Vans shoes and Adventure Bags for friends, met new people, hugged longer, cried, yelled, laughed, and loved those around me in a new and deeper way than I did before.

Life after Joey died looked different. My other two children were adults, so I lost my ‘mom’ role in a day, he was the baby, my pup. Loving my two living children felt deeper. Appreciating that NONE of us knows how to mourn or grieve well gave me a new place to accept things in the behaviors and expressions of those around me. I let myself FEEL the pain. I did not try to numb, hide, or fade it. There is nothing wrong with any of those things, they just were not my choice. I put myself on trial, looked close and hard on all my interactions, found myself guilty of being harsh where I could have been less harsh to all my children. I was a strict yelling mom; I wanted a chance to un-yell at them all. I am also honest enough to know I still might raise my voice in frustration. I apologized to Joey in my heart and Carlie and TJ in person. I vindicated myself knowing that there was nothing I did or didn’t do that would have made Joey not want to live. I found some comfort in that. I also had to come to terms with knowing he KNEW I would have fought for him in every way, he didn’t let me.

Grief work is personal. Its messy. It takes time and effort. It requires purpose and a true desire to heal. I invite you all wherever you are in your own journeys to honor those you have lost through your LOVE. By loving yourself as you are, making edits where it would benefit you and others.

Give thanks this month for having had them. Make a list of all that you are grateful for that they brought into your life, share it with someone who can appreciate it.

Below is a book shared in the Caring Connections Newsletter from the University of Utah. There are so many wonderful resources, books, viewpoints on grief. Find one that speaks to you!