FEBRUARY 2023 

LIFE | LOVE | LOSS 

“Your heart runs warmer than most.” 

The Irish Midwife, an O’Brien Tale by Stacey Reynolds 

 

LEARNING TO LOVE 

“Healing isn’t just about pain. It’s about learning to love yourself.  As you move from feeling like a victim to being a proud survivor, you will have glimmers of hope, pride and satisfaction.  Those are natural by-products of healing.” 

• Ellen Bass 

This is a month with a focus on LOVE!  There are pink and red hearts all around.  I have always loved Valentine’s Day.  Not for any romantic reasons as I married a man whose idea of romance is telling me he is like the dog, if I leave the gate open, he will still come home!!  Our philosophy was we were nice all year, so we didn’t need to do extra things on this day. We did not ever celebrate with elaborate flowers or fancy dinners.  Most the time he was working.  We did have a Chick-fil-A dinner one year that I can recall, exciting I know!  If you do all the fancy things, good for you!! That is not our path.  

Usually, I got sugar cookies for the kids or made some to eat and share with neighbors.  What I loved about the holiday was a day to spread love and extra kindness for no reason at all!  I am a glass half full person. I tell friends and family I love them on the phone or after seeing them.  I like expressing affection towards others it makes me feel good. 

What happens when your love is gone?  When your sweetheart has passed or your favorite cookie maker is no longer here and that void hits?  Do you feel sad, mad, or both?  We all know that anger is one of the stages of grief.  After my fifteen-year-old son Joey died, I didn’t think I was going to hit that stage.  I wasn’t mad at him; I was SO very sad that my sweet boy was dealing with anything that hurt his heart let alone made him not want to be here anymore.   

You know what made me mad?  Without involving religion I do believe in the souls journey past this life.  I know many others who believe the same.  On one such day someone said, “Aren’t you so glad you know you will see him again in the next life.”  I felt this unholy rage bubble up inside me.  I wanted to scream, “NO, I AM NOT GLAD about that.  I WANT TO FEED HIM DINNER TONIGHT.  I WANT TO DRIVE HIM TO HIS FRIENDS, SEE HIM GO ON HIS FIRST DATE, JR. PROM, GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL, I WANT TO HUG HIM, SEE HIM, SMELL HIM, FINISH RAISING HIM.  I AM NOT GLAD ABOUT HIM BEING DEAD.” I didn’t feel glad at all, nor did I say any of these things out loud.  They along with other moments like this were silent screams in my mind and heart.  Times that this I felt like no one else knew the depth of my pain, my sorrow, the ache inside my soul for my beautiful boy.   

I know this person’s comment was well intended. It just did not bring any comfort at a time of loss.  My next anger burst came from a thoughtful gift for him on his could have been 16^th birthday.  A sweet friend brought me something for him, it was so kind and I felt so mad.  I didn’t want a present when he wasn’t here to have it.  Death and Grief can make you feel so irrational.  You know people mean well, that they are loving and there to support you the best or only way they know how.  It can still make you FEEL strong feelings.  LET IT! 

Sometimes in life and loss we must move through one strong emotion to get to another one.  Perhaps you need to feel some anger, process some mad so you can move to more love or deeper calm. 

What do you need to do or say less of to get there? 

Is it time to let go of some past anger? 

Do you need to forgive yourself or someone else? 

Is more self-love needed in your day-to-day life? 

How do you talk to you?  Are you patient and kind? 

Do you cheer yourself on and react with understanding when you are learning and making happy mistakes? 

Sometimes you have to get mad, feel the anger in order to move back into calm and love again! 

I read this passage below somewhere and I am sharing an abbreviated version of it.  If you want me to share the full excerpt please reply and I will send it all to you.  Her words touched me.  Perhaps sitting at the end, staring death in the eyes life, love and living looked a little different.  May her words call you to action, to learning to love yourself and others in a deeper and more profound way this month and beyond! 

“If you’re reading this, this fu$king brain cancer probably got me.  

News flash: None of us gets out alive from this rodeo called life.  

There is no shame in dying from cancer – or any serious illness. I was asked by a shaman, whom I spoke to after my second brain surgery, “Are you running towards life or running away from death?  Don’t let fear fuel your choices.  Live fearlessly. Run TOWARDS life.”  

Focus on you. Be true to yourself. Be your own best friend. People who tell you you’re selfish they are not your people. If the voice in your head says these unkind things, get a new voice. Honor your mental health and seek out a good therapist with the same vigor you’d search for a romantic partner.  

Surround yourself with people who contradict that unkind voice, people who see your light, and remind you who you are: an amazing soul.  

Love yourself, no matter how weird and silly it might feel. Every morning, give yourself a hug before your feet hit the floor. Look deeply into your eyes in a mirror. Say to yourself, out loud, “I trust you.” That voice in your head might say you’re a dork. Ignore it.  

As I prepare to leave this body and embark on this mysterious journey of my soul, I hope these observations from my deathbed are somehow useful.  

What I know, deep in my bones, is that learning to love myself has led me to be able to say this: I’m so proud of how I lived.  

May you, dear reader, feel the same when you head out on your soul journey, too. Until then, enjoy the ride. And always eat dessert first, especially if there’s pie! 

Kerri Grote” 

All my best, 

Genna