SEPTEMBER 2023
LIFE | LOVE | LOSS
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”
-Khalil Gibran
GRIEF LITERACY
“There are losses that rearrange the world. Deaths that change the way you see everything, grief that tears everything down. Pain that transports you to an entirely different universe, even while everyone else thinks nothing has really changed.”
-Megan Devine
This month has a focus on suicide awareness and prevention. September 10th is World Suicide Awareness Day. It will also be the sixth anniversary of my son Joey dying by suicide. This date has forever changed my life.
As I have been on this journey of grief, love, and loss in losing my child to suicide so many have asked, “What can I do” to either assist me or help someone they know at time of loss.
I subscribed to the U of U Caring Connections newsletter and this month they shared items on Grief Literacy. What a beautiful concept, they have so many supportive programs, articles, and community resources. This month I am sharing from their recent newsletter what helps, things we can ALL do for another at the time of loss. I am also sharing what is NOT helpful.
May you apply these to your own lives and in how you show up for those who are grieving losses in their lives. I love the line in the poem “The Invitation” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer that says, “I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.” Can you?
I know together through love and open honest communication we can support each other through times that feel insurmountable.
“What helps? Things that everyone can do
The most important thing one can do to support a person who is suffering or has experienced a loss is to show up and be present. One should do this in ways that are consistent with the strength of one’s relationship with the griever, but even a small effort to communicate support will be appreciated.
It’s natural to feel awkward, so just acknowledge that; “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know that I care about what you are going through.” “I am so sorry about this.” If you don’t have the “right words,” it’s your cue to listen more…and there are actually no “right words” so prepare to bring a listening heart.
When people reflect back on a time of loss, they frequently express gratitude to those who were “there” for them in time of sorrow. It important to note that grieving people don’t say, “She had all the answers for me,” or “he gave me great advice.” Often, the grieving person remembers no spoken words at all, just a faithful presence of a friend when others were unavailable. Many grieving persons recall this experience as a friend being willing to journey with them through their loss or remain a companion to them when the griever had little to offer in return. The author James E. Miller describes this as being “prepared to wait with them in that dark place.”
Grieving people need compassionate listeners as they experience the myriad of confusing feelings and thoughts. The most effective listeners offer their time and attention in a quiet place. They allow the telling and retelling of experiences. They attend to the jumble of feelings without judgment. They are comfortable with expressions of tears, anger and frustration. They dare to cry and laugh. They are generous with time and acceptance.
In a society such as ours that values quick fixes, it can be challenging to remain present in the face of a long season of sadness, yet that may be what is most essential. Suffering people often feel “abandoned”, and the presence of a caring person can mitigate that sensation. Suffering people often feel hopeless, and the faithful attention of a patient friend is a profound source of hope. This gift of listening can require enormous emotional stamina. As the compassionate listener allows this relationship of trust to develop, he or she must be aware of their own limits of time and energy, and honestly address this with the grieving person. It is an important principle of caring to not become the “only” support in another’s life. But in our hurried world, the gift of unpressured and judgment free attention may be the most significant contribution in the grieving person’s journey of mourning.
Tangible supports may also have great value, but double check with the griever on what will actually be helpful. “May I bring a meal over?” “Would it help if I raked the yard/took the kids to a movie/walked your dog/went for a walk with you?” Such supports have greater impact in the weeks or months after the loss, a time when grievers feel that life is going on for everyone but them.
“Compassion constitutes a radical form of criticism, for it announces that the hurt is to be taken seriously, that the hurt is not to be accepted as normal and natural but is an abnormal and unacceptable condition for humanness.”
- Walter Brueggemann
What doesn’t help? Things we can all avoid
The most distressing situation that grievers report is being told what they should feel or do, or how they should be grieving. Advice giving is almost always unhelpful, unless specifically requested by the griever. As Amy Dickerson has said, “Unsolicited advice is always self-serving.” Comments such as, “you’re so strong,” “you have/need more faith,” other platitudes, and urging a griever to be grateful are also unhelpful.
Take care in offering spiritual suggestions—many persons of strong faithful conviction are understandably angry at God or the universe. Other people may not have a faith tradition. Premature spiritual guidance may only provoke frustration, guilt, or anger.”
I would add to what doesn’t help list things like saying the person who is gone is in a better place, or you will see them again (in heaven), or they are not in pain anymore. Whether those things are true or not true they bring little comfort or peace at a time of loss.
May you all find or share the support you need this month.
All my best,
Genna
RESOURCES
988 – National Mental Health Hotline
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/988
Crisis Hotlines: Common Hotline Phone Numbers | Eluna Network
Mental Health App’s
Talkspace – Best Overall Therapy App
Calm – Best Mindfulness App
My3 – Three People / Three Distractions / Safety Plan App
Chopra App – Great mindfulness and free meditations
Pride Counseling – Best Queer Mental Health App
Youper – Best Self-Guided Therapy App
Headspace – Best Anxiety App
The Next Adventure 