I crawled into bed sometime after five to rest my tired eyes and weary soul.  Sleep wouldn’t come at first.  The mind, emotions and adrenaline dump of the previous eight hours had left my system on overload.

At some point exhaustion won and I was able to rest for a couple hours.  When I woke up I immediately called my close friend whom I decided not to wake up the night before.  She happened to have heard about Joey from someone else and was sitting outside my house waiting for lights to come on.   She arrived about the time I crawled into bed so bless her she had been waiting a few hours.

I honestly hope EVERYONE has a friend like her.  She said, “What can I do”.  From that moment to this one she did all I needed or wanted done and more.  She brought enough food to feed a small army and the football team.  She organized pictures, bought frames, flowers, sat by me while I ate to make sure something got in me. She hugged me, held my hand and heart during those first dark confusing days.  I would not or could not have made it through that week without her by my side.

More amazing friends showed up to serve, feed, lift and care for all our immediate needs.  Family arrived to be with us and hold us up while we went through the steps of realizing there was not an error and that Joey had in fact ended his life.

Just after ten am on Monday I got a call from the Medical Examiner’s Office donor division.  The woman’s name was Olive, which is the nickname of a sweet friend of Joey’s.  I took this as a small way he was trying to communicate with me to let me know he was there.  I was asked if we wanted to donate parts of him.  It was time for big girl panties, a gut check and my own advice to do what is right even when its hard.  So I took a deep breath and said Yes.

From there we literally went from head to toe with questions about what could be donated starting with his eyes.  We donated both in their entirety.  Then his heart valve and vessels, yes of course.  I thought of a young man I work with whose wife just had heart surgery.  He described them having various valves both human and animal on the table to see which ones would be a fit for her.  I silently prayed Joey’s would be a fit and help someone in need.  We moved to bones of his arms, skin from his back, his hips, more skin and vessels.  Every question tore deeper and deeper into my heart knowing I was piece mailing out my beautiful boys body.  The humanitarian part knew it was for good, blessed each item in my mind and heart to be a blessing and a gift to those who needed it.  The mom part was being ripped to shreds to donate my baby, to agree to parts that couldn’t be used to go to science.  Forty excruciating minutes later when I hung up the phone I cried the deep bitter, gut wrenching, soul breaching tears.  I sobbed and sobbed, weeping and wailing at the great loss of my precious son.

Trace was in Joey’s room with Carlie looking through things trying to find a clue as to why our boy wasn’t here.  I climbed into his lap and let myself be held in the arms of love and heartbreak while the anguish of Joey’s death and donating his body washed through me.  I cried and dripped snot until I was spent.  I don’t know how long this was.  A new deeper level of exhaustion hit.

Our sweet Bishop came at this time with a woman I hadn’t met.  I told them I had nothing to give and they were welcome to be with other family I needed to not talk for a bit. My brother Jeremiah and Carlie’s husband Mickey arrived and held us while we cried new tears.  Tears of confusion and comfort where shed.  The tale of the past 24 hours shared.

More visitors came to wrap us in arms of love while our hearts still tried to grip what was taking place.  The detectives called telling us they had to investigate this as a homicide/suicide.  They wanted to get into his phone.  Carlie figured out his screen pass code.  Flowers starting arriving, I really love fresh flowers.  I wish this wasn’t the circumstance I was receiving them.

No real plans could be made as we did not know when we would be getting his body from the Medical Examiner.  They would be doing a full autopsy including toxicology reports.  More tears, more hurt, more disbelief that my handsome fun loving pup made a plan, wrote notes, took a gun, left with a love you bye knowing he was going to shoot himself.  I just cannot get my head or heart around that.