My mom got married to an excellent man the fall after I graduated from High School in 1991.  His name is Neil Petersen.  He is smart, funny, charming and completely adores her.  It is refreshing to see!  My dad was a monster to my mom and she lived through things no wife or mother should have too.

Neil lost his wife to breast cancer.  He has three adult children whom I meet and instantly adore.  They are kind and personable.  We share time during visits or holidays over the years.

Neil has smoked since he was 17.  As he got older and his health started to decline he still couldn’t let go of his Marlboro Lights in the gold box!  I know this as we have been caring for both Neil and my mom over the past 18 months.  Neil took a few hard turns for the worst the summer of 2017.  He had Kidney issues, had a pace maker put in, more kidney challenges and then started himself on fire after recently being put on oxygen and forgetting that didn’t mix well with an open flame.  After all these events and his COPD and known aneurysm he was placed on hospice.  We set it up so the nurse would come into the home to care for him with aides assisting when needed.

My mom likes to drink!  She started when I was young for reasons you can appreciate after the brief mention of how my father treated her.  This addiction robbed her body and mind of its health potential.  After years of liver issues, including numerous trips to have fluid drained out of her abdomen and a stint to block off the section that was dead due to cirrhosis she leveled out.  Then her mind started to unravel.  She was diagnosed with early onset of Alzheimer’s with dementia.

With this mental decline her doctor told her she might revert back to earlier behaviors.  She had stopped drinking for years.  Then she ‘forgot’ she quit and was drinking cheap vodka like it was water.  My mom has a fine line inside of alcohol consumption where on the front side she is contemplative and philosophical.  On the back side she is mean and ruthless.

For all the little and recent things she can’t remember the abuse she endured at my dad’s hands has never faded.  On the back side of being a mean and angry drunk is deep hatred for all he did and what she endured.  Oh how I have prayed those memories could leave with so many others…

The only way we could manage her not drinking was to take away car keys.  At this point Neil was under hospice care and between his three children who live out of state, my sister and I who live here and our two brothers who are in AZ we all agreed keeping them together and in their own home as long as possible would be the best plan.

So, the decision to take her car keys meant increased visits to make sure they are ok and of  course to grocery shop, run errands and get food.  This worked and sometimes seemed like it wasn’t but the alternative was them being put into a Medicaid facility likely in separate rooms and that didn’t seem right either.. Ugh, elder care is tough.

Friday October 5th my bonus sister Ann text that she called her dad for their 27th wedding anniversary and my mom said he had a bad night and wasn’t really responsive.  I said I would go over.  He was knocked out sleeping soundly.  My mom was hazy on what happened the night before.  As the day wore on and we found some new meds that hospice had delivered along with sticky notes my mom wrote about him falling and calling out to his parents in the night we knew something had changed.

His sweet hospice nurse Barbara came over late afternoon and though she said his heart rate and blood pressure were elevated she said his lungs sounded worse then a couple days before when she was over.  We called Beth, my other bonus sister.  She asked if she should be on a flight right then.  Such an impossible question to answer in a moment like that.  Barbara wasn’t wholly convinced that he wasn’t just sleeping deep from the new meds that are for anxiety and restlessness.  Since he didn’t normally take things like this she thought perhaps his super knocked out state was due to these.  She suggested we wait 24 hours and see how things were then.

Neil didn’t make it 24 hours from her visit.  I stayed with my mom, I sat up watching each labored breath Neil had all night long. I wanted to write nasty message to tobacco manufactures and get on a soap box about NOT smoking as I watched this beautiful man struggle for each breath.

I gave him the meds Barb told me too as he became severely agitated during the night.  I had to wake up my mom at one point to help calm him as he ripped off his oxygen, mumbled things we couldn’t understand and fought to breath.  We got him comfortable for a time then the agitation and struggle returned.

Just after one pm on Saturday October 6th, the day after his anniversary, the day before his 78th birthday the weekend hospice nurse arrived.  She looked at him after walking in the door and watched his breaths in and out as we told her about the night.  We mentioned that his daughters were on a plane set to land at 2:30 from Washington state.  The nurse said, “He won’t make it.”  She was right.

She asked me what I had given him so I showed her my notes and though I know she didn’t mean it she reprimanded me for not giving him more.  She told me I should have crushed the anxiety pill and made a paste not give to him with small sips of water from a straw.  Well hell….. At one point in the night after wrestling with him to get back to calm I wanted to give him ANYTHING to make the struggle go away. I also didn’t want to drug him to death and feel accountable for his end of life…Ugh

She gave him one and half droppers full of two medications.  Thankfully my husband was there to hold his head.  Neil was much more comfortable after.  She wanted to remove his oxygen saying he was ready to go. I called my bonus brother John, Neil’s only son and explained the circumstances.  He agreed that if the oxygen helped Neil make it until his daughters arrived we had to leave it on.  The nurse left.

I put the phone to Neil’s ear letting him hear his son’s voice, his love, his invitation to come to Christ.  A tear left Neil’s eye.

The girls landed, we told them to be rude if they had too and to just get there.  We also put the phone to his ear for him to hear their voices.  Each breath was further and further apart. When his girls were talking he started breathing closer together.  He never ‘woke’ back up.  He has mumbled things, said a few things clearly but not been lucid at all since I arrived on Friday.

We had been telling him goodbye and that he could let go.  Knowing the girls were so close we all started pleading for him to hang on.  We got my mom in the hospital bed so she could lay next to him. Trace stood on his right side rubbing his sternum between long breaths telling him to fight for his girls arrival.

His girls called inside the Uber to save time getting there.  I was talking to John so my sister Becky had to tell him.  What a wicked thing to have to say to a child over the phone. My heart broke for us all.  For my mom to lose her sweetheart, her companion, her anchor to keeping track of things day to day.  My heart broke for John, Beth and Ann to now lose their precious Father.  They already know the loss of a mother.  My heart ached to give them what we experienced.  I wanted them to be by his side for his last breath.

His breaths were 30 seconds apart, then 42 seconds, then 50 seconds.  We went one minute and we thought he was gone and then another labored breath.  Then there were no more.  He was gone.

Pain ripped through me.  Peace flowed over me.  Neil is free.  He isn’t struggling any more.  He got to go home.  I am comforted in my belief in eternity and the soul’s progression.  I am concerned for my mom. I don’t know what his passing will do to her fragile mind and tender heart.

I want to be healthier, to make choices that give my body and mind the best chance of health and wellness.  I want to love a little deeper, a little wider.  I fell in love with my husband in new and stronger ways.  He left work to be with us.  He lifted Neil with love into the bed so he could be more comfortable.  He stood by his side to the end sharing love and comfort.

Life is precious!

Time is short.

LOVE IS REAL…