DECEMBER 2022
LIFE | LOVE | LOSS
“Remember this December, that love weighs more than gold.”
-Unknown
FINISH SOFT
“Instead of finishing the year strong, why don’t we finish the year SOFT?
Why don’t we finish the year restful and grateful for making it through yet another crazy cycle on earth.”
- Unknown
The holidays are hard when you are mourning and grieving a loss. I was a mess the first few years after my son Joey died. My grandma who lived with us for years died December 14th so that Christmas was a blurr of moving forward while feeling distant and numb inside.
I miss them in different ways during the holidays now that years have gone by. I miss watching Joey enjoy food, spend time with his cousins and I miss buying him things for Christmas. I am sure many of you are missing these things, seeing the empty seat at the table or traditions they loved now passing without them.
I asked family and friends to write him a letter for Christmas one year, to share memories they had of him, and we put them all in his stocking to read on Christmas Day. It was bittersweet to hear stories and learn new things about him and who he was in other people’s lives. It also felt good to find a way to include him. I have heard of others doing a tree in their loved one’s name, asking friends to come over with an ornament to share a thought or memory. One sweet momma I met does a sock drive in her son’s name; he loved new socks!
I encourage you to keep feeling the pain. Let it hurt. Like the quote in last month’s newsletter, people die, love doesn’t. Let your love for who you lost spill out your eyes and tear at your heart. As uncomfortable as it is its part of the healing process. Honor yourself and where you are. If you are too raw for the well wishes of others, stay home. If being in a larger crowd makes you feel anxious plan smaller gatherings, if doing something totally different or ‘not’ celebrating at all is what feels right do or don’t do that.
If you are somewhere and can tell someone feels awkward not knowing what to say help them. Tell them you want to talk about who is gone. Tell them you do or do not need kid gloves. It is ok to be clear to those around you what you need. If someone calls and says, what can I do, they can’t take your pain, but do you need some paper plates or toilet paper? Let them give to you even if that’s grabbing something at the store or bringing over something to eat. I genuinely believe people want to help ease your load. They can’t take away the hurt, but they can sit with you in it.
You get to choose how the rest of the holidays go. Love is the GOLD standard. Your person is gone, your love for them isn’t. Create ways to honor that love.
Be mindful to include yourself in loving acts of service. What feels good to your mind and heart? Do you need to be ‘softer’ with yourself? If so, what does that look like?
I don’t cry like I use too over the holidays, it’s more of a dull ache for me now. An unwanted acceptance of what will never be. You do you. Let your grief journey be your own, just find ways to include them in your life that honor who they were to you. Give gifts or praise in their names or ask others to support a cause they would have loved. I think those things help bind us with others who are missing them too. Lean into the hurt, let yourself be ok with not feeling ok through the holidays. Feeling Merry and Bright doesn’t have to be your norm this time around.
If you get stuck, please reach out. Let someone else be your strength until yours returns. Call 988 if you are in a crisis or feeling overwhelmed and constantly melancholy. There are so many great resources and support options. Some of them are listed below. Find one that works for you. A simple stress relief is always ripping paper while you yell about all the hurts and injustices you feel. Let them out. If you keep them inside, they will do more harm than good.
“Her nervous system had been through so much.
She decided to spend the rest of her life calming the inflammation. Thoughts, feelings, memories, behavior, relations. She soothed it all with deep, loving breaths and gentle practices. The SOFTER she became with herself, the softer she became with the world, which became softer with her. She birthed a new generational cycle: PEACE”
-Unknown
Please know you are loved and needed.
All my best,
Genna
RESOURCES
988 – National Mental Health Hotline
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/988
Crisis Hotlines: Common Hotline Phone Numbers | Eluna Network
Mental Health App’s
Talkspace – Best Overall Therapy App
Calm – Best Mindfulness App
My3 – Three People / Three Distractions / Safety Plan App
Chopra App – Great mindfulness and free meditations
Pride Counseling – Best Queer Mental Health App
Youper – Best Self-Guided Therapy App
Headspace – Best Anxiety App
The Next Adventure 