FEBRUARY 2021

LIFE | LOVE | LOSS

“How do you open your heart?  You make peace with the risk of life.” – Rob Bell

HOME

“Sometimes I feel lost, said the boy.  Me too, said the Mole, but we love you, and love brings you home.”

–The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse by Charlie Mackery

Where do you feel most at home?

Where can you be your true and authentic self?  Is it a physical place like your current home, childhood house, a treasured vacation spot?  Or is your true home with a specific person or group of people?

I think there are times, places and people who call to our souls.  Things that make our hearts sing with peace, joy, and comfort.

What about love as a place that brings us or returns us home?  I love the above quote from this wonderful insightful book.  I have had times where I felt lost and adrift in my life.  I always found my way home through love.  Love for family, God, country.  Love for myself, my weaknesses, and strengths.

I invite you to look at your life and see where love can lead you a little deeper home in your mind and heart.

Where do you feel the most peace?

What brings you the most contentment?

What makes your heart feel light?

Identify and DO more of that!

TO COMPARE or NOT COMPARE

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Theodore Roosevelt

Part of my self-care journey involves comparing less.  Well, this is easier to say than do.  I am good at not comparing myself to others when I stay home.  When I leave it is easy to compare everything.  When I am home, I have all I need. Shelter, food, companionship, fur babies, clothes, etc. All basic needs are met, and I really lack for nothing.

Then, if I go to the mall, I see all the things I do not have!  I see someone with physical attributes that I admire or long for.  I also compare myself to myself of days gone by.  Like I use to be able to do this or that.  These pants fit different last time I wore them, and on and on!  We are creatures of comparison.  It is in this act that we either measure up or fall short.  It really is in viewing ourselves against our past selves or others that leads to negative self-talk.

Have you ever said, “It is what it is”.  This statement holds so much power!  We really are where we are, we are who we are, and life is what it is.

So, the only true positive power in comparing is when we use it to move towards something we want to be more of.  I want to be less critical of myself and others.  So, when a critique enters my mind, I catch the thought and affirm that I accept myself or the other person AS IS.  This is a mindful practice that takes time and repetition. I am a work in progress!

I encourage you to use comparisons in your favor, to grow, stretch, appreciate, and approve of who you are and where you are headed!

I WANNA GO BACK

“Does it ever get easier? 

No, their loss is always with you.  The pain of that loss does transform, often by helping others.”

 – Unknown

When it comes to dealing with the pain of loss easy is not the word that comes to my mind.  I do not think there will ever be a day when I wake up and think of my son Joey being gone as easy.  It does feel different.  Effort and attention to mourning, grieving, processing, and healing are the things I believe help with the passage of time. 

Losing someone is tough.  Its one of life’s circumstance we all face.  Its one that can turn us upside down and inside out.  We all know death is part of life.  Mother Nature handles this with such eloquence.  Every fall when the leaves die and fly off the branches, I remind myself of the beauty and potential ease of this life cycle.  If you are watching a National geographic special on the African Safari the cycle of life can seem brutal with the dying of one to bring life to another.  The person we lose, and the circumstance of that loss make each death unique and deeply personal.

When my son Joey took his life, we lost him in our lives.  However, it quickly became apparent to me that we each lost someone unique and individual.  No one else was his mom, his dad, his sister, brother, best friend, or love interest.  So, there was a collective pain with him not being here anymore.  When it came to how we mourned and grieved his loss that was very personal to who he was to each of us.  My relationship with him as his mom was different to that of his dad, his friends, and peers at school.  As unique as each loss is where we are in our own mental and emotional well being also impacts how we process grief and pain.  The process and journey are as different as each person walking the path to healing.

I love music and use it as a place of solace, joy and purposeful grieving when needed.  There is a song by Eddie Money called ‘I Wanna Go Back’, below are a few lines from the song that call to my heart and soul when thinking of my baby boy.

“I want to go back and do it all over again

But I can’t go back I know

I want to go back ‘cause I’m feeling so much older

But I can’t go back I know”

When someone dies by suicide the people left behind often put themselves on trial.  Not only is the pain of an acute loss present the questions around the loss swirl and tear through your mind and heart.  For us we did not know Joey was at risk.  We did not know he was struggling with ANYTHING let alone something that would walk him to suicide’s door.  We were shocked, stunned, left asking WHAT, WHY and HOW COME like a record on constant repeat.

Another song by a more contemporary group 5 Seconds of Summer called “Want You Back” has a few lines that also capture how I feel about Joey not being here.  The second chorus is how it feels when someone dies by suicide where you wonder where you went wrong.  What could you have done, what didn’t you see, what would have happened if?  On and on this wheel spins through your mind and heart.

“No matter where I go, I’m always gonna want you back
No matter how long you’re gone, I’m always gonna want you back
I know you know I will never get over you
No matter where I go, I’m always gonna want you back
Want you back

You know even when I say I moved on
You know even though I know that you’re gone
All I think about is where I went wrong”

So, how do you get off this gerbil wheel?  Honestly, that too is personal.  I can share that I got myself off the wheel by looking hard and deep into his life, who I was to him, what I could have handled different, what I would have done the same.  As a parent there are lots of things I did well.  I am a great, caring, engaged mom.  There were plenty of things I screwed up.  Times I lost my temper.  Things I got attached too that in hindsight do not matter now like they seemed to at the time.  I looked at all of it.  The highs, the lows, the fun and the frustrating. It is not a process for the faint of heart.  When you have no chance at a ‘do over; it’s tough to be with your mistakes.

Then I had to learn what needed learned, adjust where adjustments were needed and forgive myself and him for the rest.  If you have lost someone to suicide, I invite you to do the same.

If your losses are from other circumstances, I still invite you to learn, adjust, forgive as part of your journey and healing.

I wish you everything good today and always.

Stay healthy, happy, and safe!

All my best,

Genna